Sunday, 4 March 2012

*Trigger warning - outpouring of emotion*

Today is gloomy, wet and horrible - it's a total opposite of yesterday which was bright, dry and wonderful - and tbh it couldn't be a greater message of BALANCE if it tried!!

I have been all over the place emotionally lately, I've been on the slope heading for the depression and pills and i've had moments of sheer ecstasy when something has happened that has fired me up and got me loving my life again - but it's been extremes!

I am hoping that as we draw closer to Ostara and the time for new beginnings and new growth that the time for extremes will come to a natural end and that it will be, if not calm sailing, then at least smoother .... but, that's not for me to know and I'm more than happy with that!!!

Today I find myself in a pensive mood - the weather is not conducive to going out (and lack of money prevents it anyway) I think I am going to be housebound - so may as well make it the happiest house that I can :) ....

I want a job - I am struggling not to cry today - I don't know what more I can do and I know that it's "not in my hands" but I'm at a loss today to work (haha no pun intended)  out just what I need to do to get employed!

Think this has hit home harder as hubby packs his bag to go into hospital for an operation tomorrow - two weeks of him not being at work and the shock that if his recuperation lasts longer we are Fooked with the mortgage payment and no payment means we could get repossessed (admittedly this is the first ever payment we may ever miss - but that doesn't make it easier for me)

I am unhappy, I am grumpy, I am totally and utterly pissed off with trying to present a positive and happy face to the world!!

Do I have faith that Goddess has some exciting plan for me in the future???  - do I believe that this is some kind of Divine test???  ... if it is it's a pretty poor one - if someone doubts themselves and what they see and hear then sending them a series of faith based tests is like sending a blind man to see fireworks - or putting an ashtray on a motorbike - ineffectual and pointless........ because all it is doing is making me feel that I am playing a game .......

All I want is to earn a wage, to pay my way through life without having to rely on someone else for the pennies in my purse - is that too much to ask???

I'm done - whether it's God, Goddess or just an unknown Divine - i've called, I've asked, I've pleaded and I've begged .... and i've got nothing ......... what's the point of going on???

I keep getting told "it's not personal" but I'm not doing an exam where the answer is X - i'm doing interviews where I am 'selling' myself and I'm being rejected over and over and over again - how the hell is that not personal - sheesh even Jesus was only denied three times ............

I'm sorry to put this here - I was just going to type it all out and then delete it and I may still do that - do I want feedback - do I want my hand held and be told "it will all work out for the best" or do I want someone to sit with me and commiserate about how rotten it all is and how i'm right and everything /body is wrong ........ no ......... I want a job!

Does having a job define me as a person ......... yes it does .... it makes me feel worthwhile, it gives me a sense of purpose, a reason to get up in the morning!  Is that right, probably not - I should probably be more defined by being a mother, grandmother, wife, friend or sister - but working is what I do ... I have a strong work ethic - I can't sit around doing nothing - housework bores me ... yes I love a clean, tidy house but to get from mess to tidy holds no joy for me - and sitting all day on FB or playing games - as an evenings entertainment it's fun and whiles away the hours before bed but ...... all day everyday.......... my idea of hell!

BALANCE - I need work to balance my recreational pass times - I need recreational pursuits to balance work - take one away from the other and I lose myself ... I lose all sense of self-worth ... I lose all my drive ..........

I've got a headache now.....

I'm angry today, I want to shout and swear, I want to smoke and drink myself into oblivion ..... I want to give up, walk away and say to hell in a handbasket to everything ........ I want to cry

But, when I read that sentence - my heart hurts (like indigestion) ....... I want to have faith, I want to believe that all will be well and that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing to manifest my reality - I just wish I could 'cut a break'

44 years of self-doubt, low self-esteem and feeling like poo - is not going to go away by facing interview after interview after interview and failing each one ......... if there IS a lesson to be learned - well sorry, but the Divine is going about this one the wrong way, because each rejection reinforces my feelings of inadequacies and IF the lesson is not going to be learnt until I feel that I am a worthwhile individual then this is gonna be a long , long lifetime of hurt and failure - at 44 I still have at least 30 years of a working life to keep being rejected from .....

I'm a good and loyal friend, I'm a devoted daughter and mother and grandmother - I'm there through thick and thin, I will support and love my 'family' 100% - in that respect I know my worth, I know I love - I don't cheat, steal, murder or do bad things, if my only 'crime' is not to love myself then yep i'm guilty - but I actually love myself (and understand myself) more now than I ever have before ...... which I guess is why I am railing against this lesson - well not so much the lesson as the WAY it's being taught to me - it makes no sense to teach a a doubter they are worthy by continuous rejection!?!

To post or not to post ............ ??


  1. Post. Blogging is cathartic.

    I have a couple of opinions here and since opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, I'll share them with you. Take what you need, leave what you want.

    This time of year is a MASSIVE energetic transition. Please don't discount that in the emotions you are feeling. My psychiatrist has told me that Spring and Autumn are the two times her patients end up either hospitalized with breakdowns or changing/adjusting medications. I am bipolar so I realize this extreme does not apply to you, however, the energy is still there.

    As for the work ethic and housework being boring. Everyone gains joy from many different things. I know some who are like you and look at my life as a homemaker and tell me they get antsy after being home from work for a week. Me? I don't miss working outside the home one bit. But like I said, we're all different. Have you thought about volunteering temporarily until you find work? It would give you a reason to get out of the house and the feel goodiness of volunteering is so amazing I can't even put it into words. I don't know what I would do without my volunteer work. A word of caution, find a cause you care about, or you'll just end up looking at it as a "dead end job".

    I'm sorry you're going through this and I promise you when it's all over, you will have learned so much about yourself.

    The Goddess doesn't give us any more than we can handle, but she's not all rainbows and unicorns either. There are times in our lives where we are pushed so far we almost crack. Sometimes we do crack. I've cracked a half dozen times. From those cracks, I've rebuilt. You will too.

  2. Thank you hippy - I think I just blogged to get it all out of my head as it was just going round and round in circles I value your opinion so thank you <3 - i'm pretty sure that all will be well - I'm just impatient!! x