Saturday, 8 September 2012

Musings, Meditations, Grief and Tears

Yep, I'm still here despite not blogging or doing much of anything for the last week or so ..... life took an unexpected twist for me and I'll admit to being left floundering like a fish out of water - I didn't know if I was right, wrong, yellow, blue or black ..... so, with the infinite wisdom of the Divine - my Goddess sent me a 'bug/virus' that forced me to do what I'd been resisting - that was to stop and take stock!

One of the things the cards, my Runes, the Daily Ohm kept banging on about was to meditate and that I would find the answer I seeked within - and today, finally came the breakthrough - whilst listening to a meditation I started to cry ..........

I don't mean the hollywood cry where one single tear falls gracefully ...... I mean howling, snot bubble inducing bawls of tears, one because I miss my Mum, I miss her every single day and I need to acknowledge that and to stop being 'strong' - secondly, because my Mum never, ever, told me that she was proud of me or that she loved me (without being prompted) ...... I know she loved me, but I never heard it from her lips!

I am now on a journey where love plays a massive part - my affirmations are I am a source of infinite love, I give love freely and receive love in abundance............

The younger child in me, still wants my Mum to love me, to say she is proud of me, to acknowledge the brightness I brought to her life.... when I was a child I was told to stay upstairs and 'amuse' myself whilst my Mum had her friends round.  It was a part of her life I wasn't 'privy' too until I was working and a 'adult' ...

Anyway, that was a huge release for me - to allow myself to get 'angry' and be 'hurt' for the child that still lives within me ... to allow that child to kick her heels, cry and feel scared .... then to cuddle her and assure her that she was safe and wouldn't be hurt again!

And that brought me to another realisation (told ya it was a breakthrough!!) and that is that I was STILL relying on others to validate me, I was STILL looking to my peers to tell me what a good job I was doing - and when they 'failed' to do that it left me hurt, angry and not knowing what to do .....

Today, I realised that they are human too, they have their own pasts full of hurt, anger, betrayal to deal with - I can't make anyone love me (goes against the free will clause!!) and trust is not a given, it is earned and respect is earned by actions not by words .......... so, I will be me - and as long as I can look myself in the mirror (and the me I meet in meditation) squarely in the eyes and know that I did the best I could ........ well, then I'm due all the love, respect and trust in the world!

love to all

Raven x x x

1 comment:

  1. I understand what your going through and what you are feeling...time is a good healer

    From someone who has been there - is still there and knows.